Today while doing paperwork I needed to do some calculations. The office phone and adding machine are right next to each other, and while turned away I started to punch numbers. Unfortunately the phone doesn't function the same way the adding machine does...

So my cousin was trying to get her license. She has driven for about 2 years but wanted to refresh her memory and get more experience. I was sitting in the back seat. My uncle was showing her the gear system. So my uncle goes, Take it for a ride.. She revs the engine while the gear is on "P". My uncle goes, wtf are you doing ? She goes, Driving. He tells her to let go off the accelerator. He goes, What's "P" stand for. She answered, "PROCEED". "R" for "REST" . This one was the best, "D" for "DEVELOPED"

Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: “I'd like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

So I am watching this insect slowly crawling on my HDTV, I take my slipper and SLAM !!, MY TV fell off the stand !!!!!